He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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