Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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