Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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