Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
