fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
