Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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