when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
