i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's official drugs can't kill me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
