It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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