just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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