He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
