I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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