I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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