you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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