her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
