i think i have herpe
just one?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
