He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
