3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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