She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
