If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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