McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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