as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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