We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
