I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
