I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize