she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
