ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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