He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.