tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.