also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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