i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
