OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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