Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
