Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
