Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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