I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
