I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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