my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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