Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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