happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
