Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
