The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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