im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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