I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
