I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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