I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I skipped work to stalk him.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Randomize
