My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
