I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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