My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
