In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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