I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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