i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
