Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
