Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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