Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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