The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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