At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
